Do You Know the Pain?

Do you know the pain?

Do you know the solitude?

I doubt it.

Most of you probably don't.

You may call me shallow.

You may call me superficial.

Just because I have some type of aesthetic romantic ideal.

Because I refuse to settle.

Because I refuse to capitulate to what many of you want.

What got me to this point?

Why am I more steadfast than ever in stating what I want?

I've tried your way.

I've tried waking up to someone that I felt repulsed by, just to feel someone else's touch.

The fact that I've been alone most of my life doesn't phase me in the slightest if I can't be with someone else that i feel right about.

I've only had fleeting feelings of it being right, or it feeling right.

So because it's such a treasure to me, then I feel like I can be more particular.

Some people might wonder why I'm single and have never been married- at this age.

Because growing up, I was so alien to others that I was mostly alone.

I didn't develop like most of you out there. A lot of times, I didn't have anyone.

So when you're used to being alone, you begin to think that in order for you to let someone else in your world, they have to be someone special.

But you do a lot of observing.

You observe how so many people just let themselves get into relationships just to be WITH SOMEONE.

You begin to want to have more choice than "THEM".

You want the power, the confidence, and the vision to go after the ones that you want.

Because the only way you're going to give 100 percent to another person is if you feel 100 percent about them.

I've only felt like that a few times in my life, and unfortunately I blew it.

And there's other things, that I'm not going to talk about here, that unfortunately ruined things for me for a long time.

But I have hope, though by internalizing other's limited ways of thinking, discourage those hopes.

Those who think it's "wrong" to think the things I do.

Those who think it's "wrong" for me to learn the things I want to learn, or go the path that I want to follow.

Those who don't believe I can change after all this time.

Those who think it's "evil" to want to try to make things happen, and that you should just "let" things happen.

Well that never fucking worked for me, so here I am.

I am at the precipice of being proactive, no matter the weak minds and ideas of people that think that just "accepting" or "letting go" will solve this huge struggle I've been in.

I sit at the precipice of risking it all, in our society as it is now, to risking shame and embarrassment to lay it all on the line.

I already feel the shame. The shame of wanting beauty, freshness and life and love in my life.

Rather than the dull vision of stagnated reality.

I already feel the shame.

Of wanting those I want to give 100 percent to.

I had someone once who I did.

So I know it's possible.

If the people who want me to feel this shame only knew what I did to get to that level once.

If they knew all the hard hours of work, all the sleepless nights, and the grasping at straws to try to get somewhere.

I did many things that they want to shame me for now.

But I am not going to quit, ever.


You can tell me I'm wrong for wanting things, that I'm entitled, that I'm full of hate.

But let me ask you, have you ever been alone? I'm sure you've felt alone, but have you ever been alone? Have you ever felt shame? Have you ever been told that you're worthless for wanting something? Have you ever been told you're scum for wanting beauty and something you can be passionate about in life?


If you haven't..


Then don't fucking talk.